Thoughts in the Dark

I woke up around 3 am this morning. Too many thoughts going on in my head interfering with my sleep, probably.  But it’s warm in here thanks to my little heater and the abundance of on-grid electricity,  so I got up, made some coffee, and read some blogs written by other people already living the life I’m soon to dive into myself.  Not a bad start to the day.
I’m not afraid today. Not yet, at least. Instead, I have that nowadays rare thing called peace of mind.  Even a tiny bit of confidence.   Used to be I had that in spades.  I miss those days. Refinding that confidence, in myself, that things will work out, that I’ll handle whatever comes up, is my primary goal for the foreseeable future. How I lost it is a long and winding path of a story, and probably not of much interest to anyone, so I’ll just say life got really tough and I couldn’t take it any more.
But it’s been several years since most of those difficult situations had any bearing, and my present status is all of my OWN making.  “I” made the decisions that got me to this reality. That realization and distinction is important. See, it means that I am steering my little ship, not someone else, and especially not the someones who cared not a bit about me or my life or my needs. Or even a someone who does care, but doesn’t understand me, so makes things much worse by their attempts to help. That wouldn’t have been such a problem except that control over my life was part of the caring package.
So. I’d say I’m at a crossroad,  except I come to them so often that they are just another intersection. Nothing momentous in this moment, only when looking back, if I do make a profound change. Won’t know until  the dust settles.
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9 thoughts on “Thoughts in the Dark

  1. Look at the gear stick of your truck (oh damn, it’s probably automatic) Ok, imagine you have a stick shift, now look at the gears, did you notice that there is only one going backwards? That’s because you should never go backwards, only forwards 🙂

    • Lol. You got it right actually. My Rufus (yeah, I renamed the truck after an apparently wonderful grandfather I never met. Gotta keep family close 😉) is a stick. Don’t even use the first gear as it is really slow and powerful. But forward, even that first gear takes me forward.
      Parker

  2. Yes I agree. There are many roads and sometimes we choose the painful ones that have lots of pot holes. Then we come to a realization that we have had enough of the rough ride and we put into play plans to get to smoother ground. You have done that and are now in the expectancy stage. Looking to the future with wide open eyes after ferretting out your very existence. Who is Parker you might say? Who is the original Parker before the storms? What made that girl happy? What were her original talents and gifts given to her by God? What scenery does she like to wake up to in the morning? What soil does she prefer? Step back and look at yourself and be proud and then plot your steps for your journey. Be sure to include things that give you joy. The things you leave are part of your past. Only you can decide if any of them will be part of your future. The Bible says to concentrate on the things that are beautiful and perfect and those things are the things made by God. Immerse yourself in the things that heal your heart and stay away from evil people. Then all things will be added to you in his perfect time. You are never alone. When no one is there he will walk with you as he has walked with me since I was 43 years old. God is real and he loves you more than any human could ever love you. I go to bed with this thought each nite and he comforts me. He has no expectations and no demands and he is not rude or loud. He is gentle and the best Father anyone could ever have. My Dad was mean and nasty but my heavenly Father is loving. I pray that he will be with you on your journey and guide and direct your paths even though you do not know him he knows you and loves you.
    If there is something I can do let me know.

    • Yes, this is exactly right. As you know, I am still figuring out … everything. Concentrating on the things that feel right and positive is my best way forward at this point. A change in my surroundings is inevitable and despite the fear that lurks in the back of my mind, accepting and even embracing this change allows, indeed encourages, joy in the experience.
      Parker

    • Yes! Been busy getting everything wrapped up here is all. Plus, fighting with my poor cell signal here, which completely cuts out often. Makes trying to communicate frustrating and web stuff feel impossibly annoying.
      Leaving for Arizona in less than two weeks. 🌞🌞🌞

  3. To find where Bob W was camped in January, Take I-10 to Exit 1, Ehrenberg. Turn left and go to the roundabout, getting off at the East Frontage Road . Go about 1.5 miles to the “Y” and stay to the right, go up the hill and another 1.2 mile to the brown BLM post on the left, probably will have an orange streamer attached to it. Take that road to the left about a mile, and he was camped quite a ways off on the right, near the biggest tree you can find. There probably will be a bunch of his “followers” around in vans; you could ask any of them if they know where he is. You’ll get great cell reception there; you could also email him at akrvbob@gmail.com

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